Things For Which Past Visitors Have Searched

Since placing a handy-dandy search tool (powered by FreeFind) at the bottom of many of the pages on, and receiving weekly search reports on the results, I've discovered that some of my visitors are looking for some very strange things. Naturally, I decided to show you some of these keywords that actual visitors have prodded the search engine with. Now you know... when you search for something freakish, I'll know about it.

Over the last year or so, though, I've gotten weirder and weirder requests, sometimes in quadruplicate, probably to assure the person's being included on this page. Come on, now. That's why the "Dysfunctional Family Circus" website started to go downhill. Sabotage!



"contact ghosts"
"gothic poetry"

Now these are perfectly normal and acceptable search words. Newly arrived visitors might very well be concerned with these everyday topics.

"address of dead lounge"
"location of dead lounge"
"where located"

Ah, well, hmm. I've dropped hints that the Dead Lounge used to be in Pasadena, California, but I'm afraid that's classified information. You see, the movie Swingers got it correctly: it is a measure of one's hipness to be able to find all these hidden clubs. I wish you luck.

"are goths a gang"


"are you a writer now"

Uh... I'm not sure. I could be... Is it safe?

"ask dead questions"

Good idea! Let's see... um, Jerry Garcia, what were your inspirations for writing music? When did the Deadheads begin following your concert tours?


... Right.

"bull testicles and goat tits"

... Right.

"cadinot+koymasky lounge"

Are you looking for [ this]?


While Sarco's Grill is happy to provide the finest in alternative American dining, and makes no apologies for its unorthodox menu, I wonder what this visitor was hoping to find.

"cheese-a new religion"

You're way too late. I already get Brievangelists giving me literature, the Scions of Parmesan chanting on street corners, Cheddarminican monks clanging their bells all damn night, and don't forget the horrific wars fought over sharp versus semisoft.

"dentist in las vegas"

We can't help you here, unfortunately... but I recommend Dr. Benjamin Black, who works in beautiful Morbid Canyon, California.

"depressing poems"
peoples depressing poems
peoples depressing poems
(depressing poems) AND (depressing poems)
(depressing poems) AND (depressing poems)
(depressing poems) AND (depressing poems)"

Did you find it the first time? No? Why did you look again and again?

"don tiki"

Applause for seeking this little-known but quite recent [exotica combo]. I'm most sorry I don't have it.

"Do you like-a the sauce?"

Mama, mama, please. I cannot eat any more. Que bella, but I am full, mama! You maka me fat!

"drinking b.j.'s blood, THE HOTTEST GOTH IN THE WORLD!!!!!!"

If you drink all his blood, honey, he'll die. And then he'll rise from the dead and drink all your blood in return, and then you'll end up living forever trapped in an endless bond. Wait, sorry, that's kind of what you'd want, isn't it... I'll switch my tactic: you're sucking the blood of some kid named "B.J."?

"Eating with a spoon.... choking on your charred heart.... it was overcooked."

I recommend indirect heat on the barbecue, for slower cooking. Move the coals over to one side and close the cover, and keep basting. Also, try kebab skewers so you don't have to use a spoon. How gauche.

"evil quotes"

What's an evil quote?

"free pictures of having sex with dead women"

Oh no ya don't. You gotta pay just like everyone else.

"fresh baked cheese-related jelly bean product of France"

... Brie Bellies?

"ghost mysterys"

An excellent search! Do you mean fictional ghostly tales told over a crackling fire or in a darkened room, candleflames flickering and dancing, or real-life stories of supernatural encounters and paranormal investigation? I have some suggestions for the latter:
[1] [2] [3]

"gothic games"

Sigh... I miss the good old days of "Pin the clove on the spookykid," "Terror Tag," and "Mope-opoly" ...

"grave stone"
"memorial stone"

When the funeral's tomorrow, and you really need one...

"contact with the dead"
"how do i contact the dead"
"speaking to the dead"
"how to speak with dead souls"

It's not easy. Intertransdimensional rates are stupid-high.

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please, no fighting in the war room!"

No kidding! NORAD is no longer open to the public thanks to you people... you get thirty points for the Dr. Strangelove reference, though.

"goth hunting"

Well, they are nocturnal, so you'll be best able to follow their spoor after the sun has set. They have a keen sense of woe, though, so wear black and use a scope. Do not use a laserscope, as the goths will believe a raver is near and will stampede.

"goths are pathetic"

Well, yeah, that's sorta the whole idea. Pathetic misery, martyrdom and bored foot-shuffling combined with makeup. Now go back to posting on [Gaia].

"green day"

C'mon now. Seriously. Here?

"hehehe... i want a pet crow... can you tell me why i cant have a pet crow? ::sniff:: GIVE ME A CROW, DAMMIT!"

No. You didn't feed your last pets and they all went belly-up in the fishbowl.

"Heres another funny search, nothing like a chicken in a g-string, yum"

Cool, right on. Feel free to enter a funny search whenever you think of one.

"how do you contact the dead with people you don't know"

I know what you mean. Every time I ask total strangers if they'd like to join me in a seance they hurry away.

"how old do you have to be?"

Um... to do what?

"how to let the dead speak to me"

I'm afraid this is impossible. The dead have been very naughty, and their communication privileges have been suspended.

"how to bring the supernatral out and talk"

Well, how about an ice breaker? Ask the supernatural about its family, or compliment it on its choice of shoes.

"I hate milking donkeys (do not track my computer please)"

Don't worry, your secret of hating to milk donkeys is safe with me. *Jots down visitor's IP address, street address, home phone number, amount of milk left in the fridge, and color of underwear in top drawer*

"i just want to be recognized *snif*"

Sorry, who is this?

"i will kill my chair"
"evil master of the dead beer"

Since these two requests were about a minute apart, I have a theory that they were from the same individual, being intentionally weird so as to get to appear on this list of odd search requests. Well, it ain't gonna happen, buddy! You... oh. Never mind.

"gargamel's foreskin"
"satan's swollen colon"

Same here, Bucko! You aren't gonna appear on THIS page, sir!

"james dean"


"james standley"

I did a search for this one, and came up mostly with genealogical sites and living wills.

"jesse james"

Okay, now this is getting silly.

"Jesus Christ"
"Barry White"

These two searches came within a minute of each other. Interesting idea... it makes the Son of Man's voice so much more authoritative.

"last of the international playboys"

My friend Rosina tells me there's a Smiths/Morrissey song called the "Last of the Famous International Playboys," written about the Kray Brothers, but I don't know if this user was looking for that or for the Vegas jazz/Latin lounge group.
Links: [1] [2].

"lesbian zombies"

All right, cut it out. Now I know you're trying too hard.

"4listof dead contacts"

*Goes through the Rolodex* - Well, there's Cliff, who was run over by a milk wagon in the early part of the last century, he's a good contact... um, whenever I need golf balls I call old Chesney, who was slain in a roofing accident...

"living lounge"

I do try, baby, I do try.

"marijuana papers"

Dude. Come on. Go to your local liquor store. Look for the little package with that bearded guy on it that says "Zig-Zag". Buy it. Oh, wait... you mean my [essay] on legalization, don't you? Sorry.

"Moo. Moo, I say. Moo."

Oh, just drive on past and leave me to my pasture.

"murphy beds for the dead"

You get fifty points for this. It sounds so poetic.


Sorry, I make it a point not to mention Finnish metal bands on my site, no matter how ethereally beautiful their lead singer is.

"nuclear wedgies for revenge and profit"

Don't forget for fun! Yanking up the Fruit-Of-The-Looms of your local reactor will really piss off the labcoat-wearing types.

"people who died wierdly"

Sorry, I don't have anything. I stopped archiving these after too many unfortunate bastards in Wisconsin perished from rabies inflicted by kangaroo rats feeding on the blood gushing from their ears which had been sliced off by flying plates of sheet glass during church functions.

"pictures of dead people"
"pictures of slaughtering"

I hope you're doing a school essay or something.

"pictures of cats having sex"

Now you're just trying to be weird, and you've failed.

"powered by gayfind more like... oh, I've wasted my life."

Sorry about that, but very gothy. Waddaya expect from a free service?


Looking for the Lords of Acid song, I am assuming.

"shagadelic stuff"

Austin Powers is dead.

"show me fun"

Show me cash.

"sheffield star ads"

Well, I suppose, um... if outfielder Gary Sheffield wanted to advertise, he could, uh... oh, forget it. I have no idea what my visitors want. I am lost, cold and alone. I give up.

(... Actually, I've been informed that the Sheffield Star is a newspaper in the UK which occasionally advertises for the local goth scene... so there goes that bit of comedy)

"sinful quotes"

'A man must walk a mile while coveting his neighbor's wife before committing adultery by making graven images.'

"Speak to one who's died."

As you wish. Hey, Lou Gehrig? Yeah. My friend is a really huge fan of yours. Well, that's all I have to say, really. Rest in peace.

"spell to call flying monkeys"

Oh, that's simple. It's the same words spoken by the Wicked Witch of the West: "Take your army to the Haunted Forest, and bring me that girl and her dog! Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed! They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that. I've sent a little insect on ahead to take the fight out of them. Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!"

"tail o bang"

Is this the name of one of those characters from 'Cats', or something?

"that one game thing. stupid."

Hey, I work for a living; I update every other decade. Besides, there are two games in the Game Room. Unless you're talking about something else in your life..?

"alright, you've become truly lame. You haven't updated this in a very long time. Mean person."

Ouch! Damn! Geez! Sorry, I've been busy with the [message boards] and work, okay? Thanks for checking in, though.

"the problem with religion is the church"

How do you mean? You don't mean those nice robed fellows with the hand gestures, do you? How could they possibly be the problem? You're going to Heck.

"the night before"

Yeah, I can understand how frustrating it is not to remember that... Oh, wait, you're looking for the [ Xmas poem], huh?

"tongue depressor"

I have no idea.


Okay, okay! I'm lazy and unmotivated, all right?

"wacked out banana freestyle"

If you can find that on this site, I've blown my image.

"Wallpaper that will make my penis throw up"

Sorry. I don't happen to have anything particularly titillating for your spankoff material. We're mostly dark and tormented here, with occasional forays into wild hedonism. We don't have any pictures, though. I recommend some free pic post sites.

"We are the champions my friends, and we'll keep on fighting 'til the end. We are the champions. WE are the champions! No time for losers coz WE are the champions... OF THE WORLD"

Look, you odd thing. I've TAKEN my bows, okay? And my curtain calls. And you've brought me fame, and fortune, and everything that goes with it, so thanks I guess... but STOP LURKING OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW.

"what do they do with tha blood of dead people"

An excellent question. They don't keep it. Autopsy and embalming tables have spigots and hoses intended to carry the body fluids away down the drain. My wife, who grew up in the midst of funeral homes, is the source of knowledge on this one.

"what the hell is this site for anyway not that I'm complaining but it seems more pointless than anything else on the web love the poem machine thanks Goths rule"

More pointless than anything else on the web? Oh, come now... pointlessness abounds here, but there must be millions that rate higher on the 'What-The-Fuck?' meter. At least I provide cocktail recipes. Thank you for the tacked-on compliment, though.

"what to say when u want to contact the dead"

I'll say this once: I never use the letter "u" as an abbreviation for "you." I never have, I never will. You won't find it on these pages. I now return you to your normal search queries.

"what is lounge culture"
"how did the lounge culture begin"

That's a good one. I'll have to think about it, and maybe write an essay... right now there's a lot of cocktail history, '50s kitsch, old European gentlemen's clubs, royalty, hedonism, exotica, Polynesia, tiki, sharkskin, beehive hairdos, large automobiles, space age bachelor pad music, and all that swirling around my head, so I can't make a coherent response. Suffice it to say that the lounge culture you're thinking of generally began in the 1950s. Here's a [ link] to get us both started.


Hey, thanks! (That's one of my favorite words to say!)

"wiches,gosts,vampiers etc"

Gud lyck. Olde Englishe spellinge?

"wright your own pome"


"you can't sit with us"

Elitist schooltime snobbery! That's the spirit!

"you now officially suck my mother's balls"

Considering that you're insulting yourself more than me, I have no option but to shrug and disregard your amateurish attempt at vitriol. I applaud your mother; living as a shemale and raising a child must be quite difficult.

"What kind of a search engine is this? It gives me all the results for EXACTLY what I'm NOT trying to find. Bugger this. Am going to eat something. Preferably moldless."

It's difficult to write an algorithm to give you not what you actually asked for, but what you truly need. Then, grasshopper, you must contemplate the responses.

"widgey boards"
"how to make widgey boards"
"widget boards"

Rather than the snide abuse I could hurl here, I should probably be helpful: The term for which you're looking is "Ouija." Most people pronounce it "wee-jee," which is acceptable, but "wee-ja" is also fine. It derives from the French and German words for "yes." A good site to learn more can be found [ here].

"If Oija is loosely 'yes-yes' and it is supposed to be a way of contacting the dead... I dont get it... Maybe the German asked the french guy, 'Wanna contact the dead?'"

I see what you mean. More likely, there were these two dead guys, a Frenchman and a German, both of whom were named Gustav, floating in a room and chatting ethereally, and their grieving wives walked in and nearly died of shock because they saw their two dead husbands there, and they screamed "Gustav!" and the two guys answered simultaneously. That would have been tragic but pretty comical, I'm thinking.

"online ouija boards"

A mouse does not make a good planchette. And really, the spirits are not easily contacted through your cable modem. Honest. They take up too much bandwidth.

"I was going to type something extremely witty into this box, but then I decided not to waste my imagination on something so trivial. I'm going to go write a book now."

That's probably the best motivational thing that has ever happened to a visitor on this site. I applaud you. Get published!

"i wonder why people think that attempting to find themselves on the things that people ahve searched for is interesting, and for some reason giving a point to anything. now i assume that polarbeast (a"

Polarbeast a what? A WHAT?! I'll never know. But I can tell you that the reason it's interesting is because (a

"All of my friends foes should choke on a biscotti, because death by biscotti is both fun and ironic..."

It's only ironic if your friends' foes do bad things when they're drinking lots of coffee, and then lack that coffee on the day the biscotti asphyxiation occurs.

"Sex Among the Lobsters: A History"

The words at left are a collection of the search queries that I just don't get. I don't get it. Um... well, there's... no, I don't get it.

Honorable Mention for most surrealist search:

"And the french guy said, 'Sure, don't you?'... Yeah... IT WORKS!!! 'yes (new sentence) yes' Bwah-hah I have defeated the elusive trio of Englogermanench!!!!!!!"

Curse you! It would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling Sopwith Camel pilots!!

Honorable Mention for an attempt at the most surrealist search:

"HaHaHa, the carpet, it's flying! HaHaHaHa, I love it, Like my crack midget!"

I notice that these people do a lot of maniacal laughing while they look around.

Honorable Mention for a failed attempt to be weird using maniacal laughing:


Gee... what's super crazy and weird? Hey, how about mushrooms and, um, and some giggles, and a cynical twist at the end?... Sigh. I need to set some standards.

Honorable Mention for most unrelated words strung together in a conversation:

"Crystal penguin monarchy toast lined in distubing gleeful Jelly porno ass wipe. Thats right, I said ass wipe. Gorgeous, my five-fingered friend, just gorgeous. Maybe you can make it all finger lickin goooood. Yes, master."

Sorry, your comment would have more credibility if you hadn't said "distubing." However, please watch your mailbox for a special Darkly Gothic prize. Hey, wait a minute... five-fingered? What are you, a Wolfrider from Elfquest?

Honorable Mention for most ebonics-influenced attempt at inclusion on this page by someone who probably knows me online but whose identity I'm not at all sure of:

"YO Wazzzz up HOMMIE G DOG?! Put me on ur 'things for which past visitors have searched page' or or... i'll... eat cheese! there you know im serious! cheeseeeeee! hey! Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? ..... I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil. wait thats not possible im a chick, yo i hate when Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down. yea yea thats it HAHAHAHAHAHA! HE HE HOHO *cough* *gurgle gurgle*....sensual favors??? when?? catch you later polarbeast *wink wink*"

So far my clues are cheese, a television appearance, a vague notion that I know this person, and a sudden flinch from being referred to as "Hommie G Dog." However, it appears to be a girl who isn't revulsed by mention of sensual favors, so all is not lost.

Honorable Mention for most intense writing under the influence of a saccharin seizure, who may well be the same person who wrote the honorable mention above:

"Come on fhqwhagads!! Do u know what I'm talking about? Prolli not! Homestar and Marzipan SUCK!!! Go Strongbad its your birthday! CHICKENS!!! COWS!!! OTTERS!!! *woosh!!* ***O NO!!!**** SUGAR RESERVES SLOWLY BEING DEPLETED!! NOoOoOoOOO!!! *gulp* Aahh ^-^ I WUV SHUGA!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hee-hee* ~.~ BTW, I like cheese, Xanth, and Orson Scott Card too! Yipee!!! IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! Look at the monkey, funny monkey little red monkey.... *wink, wink* @@@@@:-) ~Marge"

Marge? Take it easy on the Pixie Stix. I had to remove most of the exclamation points and "@" signs in order to keep the page from running off the screen.

And, oddly enough:

"Fhqwhagads is freakin awesome, Margie...whoever you are..."

Hmm... evidently my fans have fans.

And, again:

"Somehow, I suspect I know Marge...."

Everybody knows Marge.

The saga continues:

"I was never really that keen on fhqwhagads. I found fhqwhagads to be distasteful and not very bright."

Well, of course they are. That's why Marge brought them up.

Honorable Mention for a well-presented collection of unrelated subjects but which sounds authoritative:

"Do NOT pass Go. Do NOT collect $200. From the fur ridden rat idol clown. Is the clown sacred? Who will worship this fallen image? It may drink from the river, but not from my well. No. Its tainted lips shall not desecrate the waters of my forefathers."

I don't know who the speaker is up there, but I just feel compelled to applaud. Where do I sign up?

Honorable Mention for most honest admission of one's dark secrets:

"I have no idea why I keep coming here. It's an addiction. AN ADDICTION I TELL YOU!!! I've wasted my life just sitting here. My eyes are beginning to fall out. By the way, lovely Little Wille poem generator. I used to love thos poems when I was younger. But then again, I was the kid who could recite "Annabel Lee" and "The Raven" as well as other poems by Poe from heart. Yes, it's pathetic, I know. Oh well."

You are a true lounge goth. Accept your fate. Drinks on the house for you.

Honorable Mention for most introspective and revealing admission of one's dark secrets:

"What's wrong with you? Setting up this page so that millions of goths worldwide can get addicted to typing things into a SEARCH ENGINE? And reading what others have typed into that SAME search engine? I hope you're proud of yourself. You've made me a search engine whore. Oh... but I enjoy it so much. Look what you've done! How could you? HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!... God, I love you."

*wrings hands evilly* It's all going according to plan. Soon, soon!... all will bend to my will and input search queries endlessly, and I will take over the world's supply of penguin-flavored crackers.

I don't know about millions of goths, though... dozens, maybe...

Honorable Mention for silliest admission of one's dark secrets:

"Do you hold your breath when you drive by a cemetery? I do. It gives me a headrush... but one time.... at band camp... we walked past a graveyard so I held my breath and held it..... and held it...... held it.... and passed out. What? It's not my fault the cemetery was so big. The Cali loves Emily!! Yes, thats right... THE Cali... b/c I am just that awesome. Maybe you want my number, huh? You know you do. *wink*"

Unfortunately, you happened to quote from one of the least funny movies I have ever had the displeasure to sit through, and I am now in a poor mood. It isn't your fault, of course, you had no way to know that one-joke movie was one of my least favorites, but sadly it did not stop me from strangling this poor hamster. See? Hamsters die because of you.

And, because I received a volley of search queries which I haven't the energy to place here, I was forced to place them on a new page! Aren't you ashamed?

The Additional Page of Visitor Searches

Honorable Mention for being a cynically fussy professorial type who may be trying to vaguely insult me:

"do you have oedipus complex, eh? what the hell am I supposed to want to be finding? I'm probably going to click the find button, and then where will I be? Eh? Well, so that something will turn up...'blood', please, eh?"

That's up to you, Professor. I hope you found something worthwhile.

Honorable Mention for one person's consistent interest in hitting the "Search" button:

"What to search for? What to search for? I'm lost. Maybe that's why I need to search for something. This Misfits song is really awesome. Maybe this dude that started this site doesn't like Misfis. IS THAT POSSIBLE? Holy Ramones, I hope not. Haha.. various bitching. QUESTION! Can Goth really be fun? Okay, whatever you say. Want some Mountain Dew? Its good. yes it is. Oh man.. I should click the Find button now so I can see what I'm searching for. I forgot I was searching. Ooh Clicky clicky! Clicks."

I have no beef with the Misfits. I'm not a real big Ramones fan, though. Yes, Goth is fun, but we pretend it isn't.

"I think I'm going to go search for... sex! Yes.. haha. I have no clue as to why I'd want to. but let's see if your "normal" words to search for shall show up something worthwhile. Oh yes Indeedy. Just see the next thing searched for shall be SEX!!!!"

The suspense is killing me.


... and? AND?!

"shimmy shimmy coco nut... I dont know the rest of the words... soo ... yeaaah."

*sob* I'll never know.

Honorable Mention for most uncertainty about hitting the "Search" button:

"wow i have no idea how i am ever going to top past searches, and im not really sure i should be trying. oh what the hell. im only here because somebody on my forum said this was interesting enough to take me away from reading about marak the immortal who went mad when he was young and has since been mocked with the title "god." (from cj cherryh in hammerfal up to forge of heaven) you know i was under the impression "gothic was the conversion of christanity to the roman empire... whatever was i thinking? nelde corin quanderian nuin i viliya (tolkiens quenya, woowoo go me) alright i might as well be done searching, if one can even call it that, more of a miscelanious rambling so as to be immortalized in the search-thingy, hey by the way i apologize for the poor spelling"

1. ALWAYS try to top the past searches.
2. And was it, hopefully, interesting enough to take you away from discussions of Cherryh?
3. Okay, yes, we KNOW the word "goth" originally applied to a certain group of barbarians, and then a form of architecture. Read my [essay] on that.
4. Do you mean "viliya" or "vilya"? I'm more of a Tengwar man myself...
5. Look on the bright side. You have now been immortalized in the search-thingy.

Honorable Mention for most anxious-sounding internal conversation (and a response):

"Dear holy Christneits! The actually did it! My ex-girlfriend found my ex-boyfriend and now they are attacking me with their flying minions (which, for some odd reason, seem to consist mainly of ravens and penguins...)! And they are pecking holes in my good eggplant caserole! Oh Jeeves, save me from this horror! Please? I will give to you my largest collection of houseflys. Oh shit, here comes the mistress. She's going to be so pissed if she finds the wife and kids here. Better stuff their bodies in the closet. Pidgie, pidgie, pidgie, potato. Did you want fries with that?"

I believe you. I really wish I could help; I know what it's like when you're... whoa, whoa. Penguins fly?

"Most anxious-sounding internal conversation? Geez, I was just trying to take your order."

I am most terribly sorry! You know how crackly and hard-to-understand those drive-through speakers are. Um, combo burrito, a chicken quesadilla, and a medium raspberry iced tea, please.

Honorable Mention for most abusive series of searches:

"fucking bulls"
"what a shitty website"
"you suck waste water"
"ur gay"

Thank you for your submission. However, it does not suit our needs at this current time.

And now, the most blatant suck-up to this page:

"if polarbeast doesn't put me on his 'things for which past visitors have searched page, i am going to gouge my eyes out and stab myself to death with a pen."

Wouldn't want THAT to happen... er, ballpoint, crowquill or felt tip?

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