Honorable Mention for silliest admission of one's dark secrets, and the one which prompted
this new exasperated page: |
"Do you hold your breath when you drive by a cemetery? I do. It
gives me a headrush... but one time.... at band camp... we walked past a graveyard so I held
my breath and held it..... and held it...... held it.... and passed out. What? It's not my
fault the cemetery was so big. The Cali loves Emily!! Yes, thats right... THE Cali... b/c I
am just that awesome. Maybe you want my number, huh? You know you do. *wink*" |
Unfortunately, you happened to quote from one of the least funny
movies I have ever had the displeasure to sit through, and I am now in a poor mood. It isn't
your fault, of course, you had no way to know that one-joke movie was one of my least favorites,
but sadly it did not stop me from strangling this poor hamster. See? Hamsters die because of you. |
Honorable Mention for most anxious-sounding internal conversation (and a response), and the other
reason for this addendum: |
"Dear holy Christneits! The actually did it! My ex-girlfriend
found my ex-boyfriend and now they are attacking me with their flying minions (which, for some
odd reason, seem to consist mainly of ravens and penguins...)! And they are pecking holes in my
good eggplant caserole! Oh Jeeves, save me from this horror! Please? I will give to you my
largest collection of houseflys. Oh shit, here comes the mistress. She's going to be so pissed
if she finds the wife and kids here. Better stuff their bodies in the closet. Pidgie, pidgie,
pidgie, potato. Did you want fries with that?" |
I believe you. I really wish I could help; I know what it's like when
you're... whoa, whoa. Penguins fly? |
"Most anxious-sounding internal conversation? Geez, I was just
trying to take your order." |
I am most terribly sorry! You know how crackly and hard-to-understand
those drive-through speakers are. Um, combo burrito, a chicken quesadilla, and a medium raspberry
iced tea, please. |
Following now is a series of search engine results over a period of six days that made me run crying
from the room: |
"Aww Cali, I love you too. Um, sorry about the hampster, Polerbeast.
It's not Cali's fault the American Pie exists. Yes, and . . . poptarts." |
It is Cali's fault, and you cannot convince me otherwise. |
"Get raped by a violent, rabid, dominatrix obsessed frootloop and
win a chance to tell your troubles to the world on Jerry Springer!" |
Did. |
"Sorry, we seem to be out of Raspberry iced tea. The penguins
knocked over the tea machine. All we have to drink is raven's blood. And I wouldn't suggest trying
it. The will be $666.00, sir. Pull up to the second window please. There is bird shit all over
the first one." |
I would ask to speak to your manager, but I just can't continue the
drive-through metaphor any more out of agony. |
"I really think that you should say something about how wonderful
Emily is b/c she is the reason I even came to this website. I've never even heard of it, but
Emily told me it was her favorite website. She is awesome! Recognize her authority! lol. I dont
really like american pie movies but I figured I'd annoy someone with that line from the movie
b/c everyone has killed it by quoting it so damn much. I've been wondering, is there a lame
website about the proper way to milk a goat??? Love The Cali!!" |
1) Emily is wonderful, not least for saying nice things about my
site.
2) Start with this. |
"My guinea pigs name was Potato.... is that an unoriginal pet
name? I didnt think so. I hate dogs, tho. A dog killed Potato. I dug a grave for him at 2 am
in the pouring rain. I loved him to death. The Cali loves Potato forever and ever." |
I thought you said the dog caused Potato's death. |
"I finished my math homework." |
Excellent! |
"Life can be hard. I know. I have one. You know, sometimes, when
you just have the urge to scream as loud as possible, you should just reach for the nearest
pillow. Then you should throw the pillow into something extremely fragile and knock it off the
shelf. That should make you feel better." |
I did that on Jerry Springer. |
"Fastening safety pins to your fishnet stockings is an essential
survival technique first established by women in the twenties who sometimes needed to change
diapers immediately after a dance show." |
I was going to nod and approve this method since it's also a good
punkgoth statement, but then I thought, Eewww! Flappers wore diapers? |
"Sometimes, when I'm alone with my razor blades, I think about
killing myself. Perhaps the eyeliner is getting to my head." |
Stop applying eyeliner with razor blades then, goofball. |
"eat" |
See, now this is the kind of offensive shit that I can't stand to
see on my website. You people need to stop and give some serious thought to what kind of
impact your actions have on the world. People are dying, you know, you big jerk. |
"a giant monkey with three balls" |
Bored now. |
"purple polka dotted ears with pigs attached" |
Hmm! |
"ahhh!!" |
I know what you mean. |
"I want a purple penguin. BUY ME ONE! I'm gonna die without one.
Shoot me in the head and call my sally. Yes, please call me sally. For that is my stripper name.
Let me strip!! I need to feed my kids." |
Pretty funny ending there. Sigh... why do I get so many people
demanding their rights to pets? |
"LAST NIGHT AT THE VENUE I GOT JERMEY AND BARRY TO MAKE OUT AND
PAULA HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET THEM TO DO IT FOR 2YEARS AND JERMEY LOVED ME ENOUGH TO DO IT AND
WE TOOK PICS AND VIDEO TAPPED IT" |
And you're telling me this but not sending me the footage because? |
"Drinks on the house?... Who would want to put their drinks on
the house? Seems like a waste of drinks to me. Ach! Polarbeast is a wastrel!" |
Literalist. |
"Sprechst Polarbeast Deautsch? Ich, glaube, dass Polabeast nicht
Deutsch sprechen, weil er Deutsch nicht ist." |
I don' talk thet crazy Canada language. *spit* |
And now, a poetry interlude: |
"Sometimes I cry at night" |
Sometimes I cry at night |
"When the moon is full" |
In a moonless room |
"And some idiot keeps the curtains open" |
With the curtains drawn |
"fucking curtains" |
They are my salvation |
"I hate the curtains" |
I wish they would love me back |
"The stupid open curtains make me kill people." |
For they protect people from my depradations |
"Sometimes I cry at night" |
But I still cry |
"I need to shave my legs" |
For I wish for someone I could help to shave their legs, |
"wanna help?" |
but my cries go unanswered. |
"Well FINE! Don't help!" |
But there is no one. |
"Fuck you!! Bitch." |
No one at all. |
And now, thoughtlessness: |
""Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner. Wait...NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Now I am. Damn it. Why did I have to go and say that? ahhh!!! Now I'm a stupid weiner and
somebody is gonna put katsup on me and eat me. OH SHIT!!! I need some EEYORE!!! Maybe that
donkey will save me from my weiner self. Or maybe he'd just eat me like everybody else. OH
GOD, HE'S EATING ME!!!! Fuck! And all this just because I wanted to be on the "things for which
past visitors have searched" page. Oh fuck. This better work damn it. Or that donkey will eat
me alive" |
It almost worked. |
"I think I will search for.... anus..... yes, anus. Because I'm
just that cool, and I search for things like anus. SO I guess the next search will be
anus...." |
Seen it. |
"anus" |
And? |
