This is my own painstakingly created recipe for Polar Bear Chili, assembled over the course of a few years. It's pretty much improvised according to the demoniac whims of the chef when preparing, so exact amounts are not always provided. Polar Bear Chili can be made to blow the top of your mouth off, depending on how much peppers, pepper sauce, cayenne, virgin's blood, or whatever you add, but mostly it's intended to give a solid, damned tasty meal. Season to taste. Have fun. Kitten pictured above is optional. Chef Polarbeaste is not responsible if you poison your guests.

Ingredients for Polar Bear Chili

• 2 lbs. lean chuck steak, cubed
• 1 lb. lean ground beef
• 1 package bacon
• 2-3 yellow onions, chopped fine
• 1 large can chili beans or pinto beans
• 1 small can kidney beans
• 1 medium can recipe-cut diced peeled tomatoes
• 1 tiny can diced green chilies
• 1 small can tomato sauce or paste (optional for an extra-red chili)
• 1 small and fuzzy kitten (Optional)
• To be simple, one of those brown bags of chili mix, or use the following:
  • 6-8 tablespoons chili powder,
  • 5-7 tablespoons masa flour (important for thickening!),
  • salt and cayenne pepper to taste (usually included; use your preference),
• Add the following to season and taste (Polarbeast uses all of these):
  • up to a quarter-cup of your favorite salsa and/or barbeque sauce,
  • as much fresh garlic as you wish you chop (get over it, vampire wannabes),
  • a few shakes of Worchestershire sauce,
  • a few shakes of Tabasco, Tapatio, or your favorite pepper sauce,
  • a few shakes of chopped parsley, Italian seasoning and Hungarian paprika,
  • a few shakes of Brother Bru Bru's African Hot Pepper Sauce (a MUST in my household!),
  • an ounce shot of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey or Old Forester

Okay? Let's start playing. You'll need an extra-large stew pot, and a large skillet. In the skillet, brown the steak, put it aside, then the ground beef. Use the stew pot to sizzle the bacon until it's clear, then add the onions. Let them sizzle for a bit (but not until they're too soft), and add the steak and ground beef. Go ahead and let them cook in the pot for a while, so they can mix and get to know each other.

Reduce to a slow, sexy simmer. (Whatever, Polarbeast.) Slowly stir in the chili beans, kidney beans, and diced tomatoes, giving a few minutes between each ingredient to cook in. Use as many diced chilies as preferred; a few pinches are enough for taste. Go ahead and stir those in, along with the optional tomato sauce/paste, garlic, sauces and seasonings, always letting each one soak and cook slowly before adding the next. A slow-cooking chili is always better. This isn't meant to be made in thirty minutes.

Add the chili powder and masa flour last, after determining whether your chili (it's your chili now, you mad thing) needs to be thickened or not. Let it all simmer for at least an hour, two if you can stand it, three if you really want a well-made chili, stirring occasionally. Serve up in those little handled soup tureens if you have 'em. Toss some shredded sharp cheddar cheese and maybe some more diced onions atop each bowl if you want to be stylish (you do, don't you?). Make sure you have some good garlic bread; it's a nice touch.

I have no idea how many this serves, but it's been raved about among my friends, filling, and tastes even better the next day.

Note: You can make a non-red meat chili by substituting ground turkey and turkey sausage, which also makes for a fine chili. Polarbeasts do not make a vegetarian chili. Bleah.