Things to Know about Your Host

What are your living arrangements? Living in a wonderfully hip Silver Lake apartment with an astoundingly cute brown wife and a spastic black domestic short-hair we call Naginata. Our grouchy Maine Coon named Fujasu left us long ago.

What book are you reading now? Brodeur's translation of The Prose Edda, Bettelheim's The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales, Jeans's Ship to Shore: A Dictionary of Everyday Words and Phrases Derived from the Sea, whatever horror anthology is on the Kindle, and I've finished the Old Testament and was working my way through the New, except that I probaby won't. Whatever I feel like reaching over my head and grabbing from the headboard at night is what I'm reading.

What's on your mouse pad? Nothing. It's uniformly grey, like the "color of a TV tuned to a dead channel."

What's your favorite magazine? Writer's Digest and Discover, but I don't subscribe. Modern Lounge would be up there if it still existed.

Favorite smells? Fine cooking, Bianca, and really old books. Usually not contemporaneously.

Favorite sounds? Ocean waves exhausting themselves on rocks, twigs snapping in campfires, Bianca making little grumping noises, and strong builds in trance and industrial songs.

Worst feeling in the world? When you've finished single-handedly slaying a gang of thugs in a darkened alley with a jo stick, blood caked on your forearms, panting with fury and sour adrenaline as your battle theme ebbs to an end, and the police arrive with some slip of a girl who insists she's your daughter and holds the key to your salvation, the dogs barking incessantly, and some guy comes up to you and asks you what fucking TIME it is.

I hate that.

And gastrointestinal distress and nausea suck, too.

Favorite soundtrack? Conan the Barbarian. It's what I play when I'm slaying gangs of thugs.

What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? It varies. Usually what goes on in my head first thing can't effectively be called "thinking."

Roller coasters: scary or exciting? Exciting, but I prefer speed to having my coccyx busted or my neck snapped. Wooden coasters rock.

Pen or pencil? Well, that depends. Are we drawing, writing, or killing a man in a clandestine manner?

Future daughter's name? Don't jinx me. But I favor Josephine, Kiona, or Cheyenne.

What is important in life? To crush your enemies. To see them driven before you; and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Favorite foods? I don't know what I'd do without Mexican food. Die, probably.

What's your favorite restaurant/cafe/eatery? Oh, boy... Hedley's on Robertson. Sushi Saito on Sunset. Bossa Nova on either Sunset or Robertson. Then there's Sanamluang Thai, Tarasco's, Chi Chi's, Joan's on Third, Nicky D's New York Pizza, or any hole-in-the-wall Mexican place like Tacos Mexico, Yuca's, or Taco Pronto. Or any good Mexican restaurant. Or any Cuban place like Felix's or El Colmao. Um, anything Mexican, Italian, Cuban, Chinese or Japanese. And Taco Bell. For an amazing steak go to Taylor's on 8th or Carlitos Gardel on Melrose.

Tell you what. I used to write restaurant reviews. I say a lot of things there.

Chocolate or vanilla? Are you nuts? Chocolate chocolate chip. With Oreo bits.

Do you like to drive fast? I'm getting used to doing so.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Not me, but somehow we manage to fit three of us (human, human, cat), Bianca's bear Allen, and OB the organic cotton bunny.

Storms: cool or scary? To quote a friend: the scarier the cooler.

What was your first car? A midnight blue Dodge D50 pickup with a steel girder for a front bumper and its tailgate wedged shut. The thing looked like someone had given it a blanket party with a hammer and chisel.

If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be? Neil Gaiman. Or H.P. Lovecraft. Or J.R.R. Tolkien. Or James Burke. I dunno. Have to check my schedule.

Favorite alcoholic drink? A single malt whisky, preferably Laphroaig or Macallan, neat, with a dash of water.

What is your Zodiac sign? Maniacally, spectacularly, and in all respects Libra.

Do you eat the stems of broccoli? If there's at least a 2-1 advantage by the flower part.

Do you like the skin of the potato? Doesn't piss me off or anything. Why, are you selling one?

What's on the walls of your room? A painting of a girl from the house of a dear woman, a nicely framed print of the Black Cat Woman from the Haunted Mansion, a classic Pirates of the Caribbean poster, an old Humphrey-Bogartesque photo of my father, a poster from the documentary "Better Living Through Circuitry", a map of Arkham, Massachusetts, and an old nautical map.

If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? To be paid ridiculously large amounts to write creatively and do voiceovers.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be? The sky would be the limit, but I'd look as ridiculous with my hair colored as I would with my navel pierced. I shave my head anyway, but I'd like to see if my goatee looks good in crimson.

Ever been in love? Still am.

Do you prefer cats or dogs? Both taste great with sun-dried tomatoes and fresh garlic, tossed with penne rigate and capers.

Is the glass half empty or half full? Half... who the fuck's been drinking out of my glass?!

Do you believe in an afterlife? I'm living it.

What is your favorite season? Oregano or paprika... oh, SEASON? Um, late Autumn, in a dreary, trees-grasping-at-you, storm-cloudy, full-moon sense.

Are you a lefty, a righty, or ambidextrous? I'm right-handed, but I fence with either hand and massage with both.

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Evidently. How are you reading this successfully otherwise?

If you could be any gardening tool, what would it be? Corry's Slug & Snail Death.

What's your favorite kitchen appliance? A perilously sharp Henckels or Wusthof chef's knife.

What's under your bed? A menagerie of monsters, Naginata's discarded claws, and whatever's slipped behind the headboard.

What is your favorite number? 8 and 23 are important to me, but right now I think it's 17.

Favorite sport to watch? Bedroom.

What is your dream vehicle? I'm now driving my dream vehicle: a Royal Grey Mini Cooper S. I wouldn't say no to some type of huge motorcycle with all sorts of storage areas on it, though. Or an Aston Martin DB9. I think, though, overall, I'd like a custom touring bus.